a disciple's step...

Knowing that my mother has the unexpected disease is like being dumped or busted a hundred fold by a girl I’m pursuing. It’s like a break up of a lifetime, a disaster I wished it didn’t happen or a storm that hoped to be over soon. The sudden rush of blackness deep within is something unexplainable. It’s like being caught off guard by saddest news in the whole millennia. Instantaneously, there is no time to react and no time to say a word. It was a total black out.

Mom has a Stage 4 Breast Cancer… and I can’t remember what my reaction then was. I was out of words to say.

I never thought I’ll come to this point that I’ll be on the same shoe of those friends who fought and continuously fighting for their love ones just to overcome the dreaded disease. I think a relative died from it, two of my godmothers died because of it and few close friends struggled and are still struggling to overcome it. But now that I’m in their position, I now know what it feels like. It was really an emotional rollercoaster.

The night I arrived home in Manila, I never imagined talking to mom as if we’re running out of time. As mom used to boast to her friends, I applied my rational skills to plan for things, plan A to plan C with worst case scenarios and with some “game plans”, as I called it, how we can fight our situation out. But I realized there could be other better way to handle this kind of situation. It should be something calm and positive.

In this crucial time, my mom never failed to amaze me again. All the while, I thought I should be the strongest person in the family. I tried to be but I failed to surpass my mom’s way to exhibit how strong she is and will be. I know behind those smiles and laughter are worries and fears, but amidst those clouds of unnecessary emotions, I can sense that she’s focused – focused to fight, focused to stay normal, focused to be an inspiration, focused to be hopeful and focused to be faithful.

If there’s one thing I am thankful right now, it’s about being a Christian. In this dark time, I never doubted God, I never blamed God, and I never asked why it should happen to us just like those in telenovelas trying to question the inevitable turn of events in our lives. I must admit, I tried and still trying to hide my emotional facet in front of the most beloved girl in my life. There was a time that I can’t contain the emotional burden and I have no choice but to rush to the chapel and outburst whatever emotion I had. But it was an opportunity to humble myself to the One who can comfort me in times of sadness and darkest moment of my life. I was humbled. A time like these, the best thing to do is to put my utmost trust to God. It’s difficult but even if there is another option, I believe I will still try my best to trust Him. He created me to love and trust Him and rely on His greatest providence.

Nursing my mother in the hospital was the best 4 days of my life. It was a total interruption from work and from the world. It was an opportunity to express my full support to the one who supported me for 28 years I existed in this world. Every sweetness, smile, joke, laughter, “count the blessing” story and prayer was an opportunity to fill our hearts with the strength and comfort we need. Every moment was an opportunity to say and express “I love you”; and every assistance is an assurance of company and confidence.

Cancer is not a curse, but a gift. Cancer is not just a disease, it’s an opportunity.

It’s an opportunity for my family to work together and be united for my mother and work as one, as family so that she can draw more strength and have more reasons to continue living the life to the fullest.

It’s an opportunity to rely and trust God even more. This is the best time to hold on to His greatest. This is the best time to be confident because as God said, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It’s an opportunity to fill our hearts not with unnecessary things such as depression, doubts, fears and worries but with love, comfort, compassion, trust and faithfulness.

Lastly, it’s an opportunity to change my life and my family’s life. It’s an opportunity to let ourselves be driven by the One who takes control. It’s an opportunity to Hope. It’s an opportunity to have Faith and believe that everything will be alright because God knows everything about me, about my mom, about my whole family. He stayed with me when I was broken hearted and when I was in pain and I’m sure, just like a Great Shepherd, He will carry us through.

I praise and thank God for the love. Love from relatives and friends, near and far; love that has been transcended from every corner of the world; and love that can conspire even those deadly diseases. Thank you for all the love, lots of love – truly enough to pick up our dreaded hearts, lift it up on High and say, “Lord, Your will be done. I trust in You.”