2009 was a year of learnings for me. I pushed hard, moved forward inspite of frustrations, discouragements and despair. Everything that happened on that year made me to pray and hope for a sweet rest and joy for 2010. But as some of you knew, it didn’t turn out to be, I thought before. Shouting out on my Facebook on the first day of 2010 “bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there’ll be days, when this life brings me pain but if that’s what it takes to praise You. Jesus, bring the rain for 2010” may have been a good year-starter, but there was a point when I realized that maybe I shouldn’t had asked for the later sentence.
As a Christian, one of the easiest thing to do is to say “yes” to God and “I’m committing my life to You, Lord” but one of the hardest is to make that “yes” a living statement. Honestly, I had huge ups and downs. I have periods of struggling to do what God wanted me to do, sometimes doing pretty well, I thought, and other times wondering why I couldn’t get it right. I would pray about a particular thing in my life, resolve to overcome temptation to give in to it and try hard not to fail. But fail I did, over and over, day after day, prayer after prayer. Sometimes, I would just give up and leave the whole issue alone, but eventually it would come back to haunt me. Then filled with guilt, disgusted with myself, I would go through it all again.
Sometimes, I would think that I’m a failure. Looking at myself is like saying I am already discouraged. I could see that I had no victory in my life and there was no hope for me. I still intend to live the ‘Christian life’ and try to lead others to the Lord, but had no hope for myself. Amazingly, God will suddenly move in mysterious ways, making me feel and believe that He will never let the hope die out, and kept me clinging to scripture promises until I am back to being a ‘functioning Christian’ again.
Asking for the rain and pain for this year may be absurd and ridiculous but these made 2010 a year of saving grace. For the past years, I fell flat on my face in the mud. I made frighteningly stupid decisions that should have turned my mom, relatives or friends against me, or so I thought, but thank God that didn’t happen.
I went through several personal tragedies. By the grace of God I made it through them, but each one took its toll until I was emotionally, mentally, physically and financially exhausted. My mother has Stage 4 breast cancer and I sometimes feel I’m the only one carrying all the burdens of the dysfunctional family. I had the worst, stressful work in my entire career life, that the harder I work, the more oppressions I seem to have. I had an erratic service life because of work.
Amidst those struggles, I praise and thank God because He loved me through the arms, tears and love of my fighting mother, my relatives and my friends. God never failed to amaze me as I look at their eyes mixed with sympathy, support and unconditional love. This year is an affirmation again the He is my greatest and sweetest Father; that when I made really stupid, self-destructive choices, He just loved me; when my actions deeply disappointed Him, He just loved me; when I was in pain I couldn’t bear, He bore it with me and loved me. He acted as if I had not sinned.
I was so beaten down by all I had gone through I had nothing left, I thought. Sometimes, I didn’t even have the strength to read the Bible or pray. All that was left was to throw myself into God’s arms and let go. If only I have known that’s all He wanted from me in the first place, all these years. He just needed me to trust Him and rely on Him constantly.
My moment with God at the chapel of St. Luke’s Hospital last August was the most unforgettable for me. On that night that I was in such agony that I couldn’t stop crying and could hardly breathe, I stared at the cross begging God to help me. On that same night, God spoke words of release in my mind and heart, stopped the crying and flooded me with peace that until now I can’t even explain. With God’s grace, even if there has still been pain in my life since then, no matter what happens the peace is always still there.
This life of struggle isn’t the kind of spiritual life I envisioned when I accepted God in my life. It’s the life I’ve led but not the one I really wanted. But what God made me realize is that it’s not the hard walk, the painful giving up of things, the decisions too hard to make or the fear of living, giving and loving that matters to Him but it’s all about striving and pushing hard to keep His commands amidst all those hard, difficult and painful things.
2010 is almost over and in 2011, more God’s plan will be unfolded. 2010 may have been a deserted year but because of God’s saving grace, thru the unconditional love of people surrounding me, I believe that this is a victorious year. I may have gone much farther but it’s because God carried me all along. I may have been stripped off of a lot of things but it made me discovered that God is enough as a treasure. I hope and pray that for 2011 and the years to come, my confidence will grow - a confidence that will not rely on my own strength but a confidence that relies to God. May the succeeding years be years of humility and openness to the workings of God as I continuously live out Jesus’ life with the guidance and power of the Holy Spirit.
Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there’ll be days, when this life brings me pain but if that’s what it takes to praise You. Jesus, bring the rain for 2011.
