a disciple's step...

When was the last time God shook me? I think the last time was when I looked at my resources and I realized that they’re not enough to fund the radiation therapy of mom.  With God’s help, I survived that. Praise God! 

From then on, things started to change. Slowly, I was able to close one debt and I was able to keep a portion of my salary for savings. Not that much but just enough to prepare for ‘rainy days’.

The second half of 2011 was a joyful one and I felt that most things are back to normal again. Less worries, service life was great, work life was great as well. Or should I say things went from being normal to something extraordinary. I guess my definition now of having a normal life is a life with so many ‘adventures’ and ‘surprises’. Any life not confined by that definition is either be boring or extraordinary one.

The second half of 2011 is indeed my block leave from life ‘adventures’ and that block leave just ended because it’s time to journey again. The cooling process is over and the heating process is about to start, similar to the cycle to which precious metals need to pass to be refined.

God shook me and I allowed myself to be shaken. If I am to measure the turmoils that happened in my life so far, mom’s diagnosis of Stage 4 breast cancer could be intensity 10. The latest turmoil can be considered only intensity 3 or 4. It may not be as half of the total scale but it’s strong enough to shake my core and to release the vibes of worries. God shook me and I realize I’m still human and the strata of humanity is still underneath my armour of so-called ‘strong person’.

At first, it was daunting. But human as I am, my initial reaction was to worry and to fear. I had some questions and ‘what ifs.’ 5 calls for mom yesterday were not enough to ease the tension in my heart. The pounding is good enough to wake me up in the middle of my sleep. The adventure and surprises had resumed and God asked me to carry my backpack again with nothing else inside but prayers and hopes (and a little money, just in case).

I forced myself to say ‘Lord, we can do this. I can do this. I’ll just hold on’ then tried to walk again. Times like these, the Lord and I have the same drill - trust and surrender - and I must admit that I’m still a work in progress regarding this exercise. I guess it will take me a lifetime to master this.

At this point of my life, I realized that my refining is still in progress. God may have given me a rest time but I guess it’s for the ‘preciousness’ in me to cool down and let the shape to set and to prepare for another round of refinement. The time has come to undergo refinement again.

Today, I realized, God taught me not to be so complacent. I let myself be relaxed and I almost forgot our lifetime covenant - that I will let myself be driven by the One who can help me live the life of holiness. I am so humbled. God really knows me too well. He may have allowed me to see the glimpse of His great plans for me and the great future He has for me, but still He wants to make sure that I won’t allow myself to be the god of my own life and ignore Him ungratefully.

God shook me again and it ignited the ‘functioning Christian’ in me again. He woke my blood, my spirit and my mind and woke every aspect of my life – the prayerful in me, the trustful in me, the courageous in me, the humble in me, His image in me – and the wakeup call made me to stand up again.

I praise and thank the Lord because He made me realize that I’m still human, still susceptible to pains, worries and fears. He reminded me not to be so overly confident with regards to my spiritual journey. I praise and thank Him because He never allowed pride, self-confidence and self-righteousness to tarnish my heart and He don’t want my heart to be less pure, less malleable and less usable.

I praise and thank the Lord for showing me and reminding me the past events where He never abandoned me and assured me that the Father who saved, graced, loved and carried me will be the same Father who will save, who will grace, who will love, who will bless and who will carry and embrace me forever inspite of my sinfulness.

I praise and thank the Lord because He prepared me for this. He allowed me to hear the Gospel of the ‘4 men and the paralytic’ and made me realize that it’s not all the time, I get to carry and lead people but there will always be times that I am also the paralytic - someone who needs to be carried and be led by other people as well. I praise and thank God for all the people who helped me and for continuously providing me the blanket of prayers and the stretcher of love, comfort and support as they help me descent from the roof of worries and fears, down to the arms of the Lord.

‘Niyanig ako ng Diyos at nagpayanig ako.’ Praise God for that!